This is a pretty juicy topic so if you're reading this I'm so glad you're here because I'm about to spill some serious tea. Dating in this day we live in, with this generation can be a bit...well, let's just say...overwhelming. I was having a deep conversation with my friends about dating and we were all just agreeing on how modern day dating is literally a hot mess. You have people going into relationships broken, people who are unsure of what they want, then you have the cheaters, and heartbreakers, women who can't let their guard down, men who...let's just be real, you know how it is. My friends and I continued to talk and our in-depth conversation led to us discussing the many problems we see that people experience in relationships, the challenges, and ways to properly prepare for a successful relationship. So today I'm here to share with you 8 reasons someone you know or perhaps, maybe even you might be failing at relationships. Now let's spill some tea, shall we?
8. Fabricated Expectations
What you want isn't always what you need. Many of us go into relationships with lists of fabricated expectations and desires that always seem to go unmet. I'm sure the following statements sound very familiar to you: "I want him to be taller than me!" "I want him to be athletic!" "I want her to be slim-thick!" "I want him to be a doctor!" Blah, blah, blah! Your relationship will likely not work out if you go into it with erroneous, self-made expectations of the other person. It’s not fair to put unachievable standards on your partner or vice versa. These expectations are fantasies and false hopes that ruin your idea of your partner. Some people never realize the unwarranted damage they cause because of these inflated ideas. In the viral Relationship Goal Series by Pastor Mike Todd, Mike Todd said that the formula to frustration is: fabricated expectations + failed reality= feelings of frustration. Why be frustrated and stuck when you can just rip up your list. Trash your selfish, sometimes even unrealistic expectations. Get rid of your list of expectations of what you want and let God send you/ help you get the person you need.
7. Character Development
It is common for people to go into relationships without developing and working on themselves. You shouldn't be going into a relationship with lots of insecurities, lacking self-control, not being able to trust, with walls built up, anger issues, etc. Sometimes you have to be single for a season to focus on yourself, improving your character, and growing before you risk entering a relationship toxically. Before getting into a relationship, you should take time to prepare mentally, physically, and spiritually so that you can be better equipped to be with someone and add value to a relationship. It's pretty simple, if you know you're a little messed up as a person and that there are areas that need some serious improvement, work on those things, get better, and then maybe you can think about pursuing someone or being in a relationship. You want to be the person you're looking for is looking for. Read that last sentence again, you'll get it tomorrow!
6. Bad Communication Skills
Lack of communication is one of the biggest relationship ruiners of all time. Communication issues frequently result in break-ups and even divorce. Many people who have communication issues are afraid to tell the other person their issues and desires or keep them to themselves to protect the other person's feelings; that is selfish. If you struggle to communicate in a way that helps to progress your relationship, over time you will find that you will grow apart from the other person. Staying silent rather than discussing your wants, needs, goals, and issues in a relationship will eventually end it. After all, if you can't communicate with the person you're in a relationship with or don't feel comfortable doing so, you might not even need to be with them in the first place.
Being in a relationship won't heal you and being single won't kill you... and that is facts! Trying to be in a relationship while broken never works. If you need to heal from a broken heart, trauma, etc. and get involved with someone, you put yourself at risk to be hurt again. Bringing unhealed emotional wounds into a new relationship makes it infinitely more difficult to open our hearts to another. When a person is broken they are still in the process of accepting, and or healing from what hurt them. You don't want to go into a new relationship carrying old baggage, holding on to past hurts, and repeating old mistakes when you could just be alone for a season and attempt to seek a relationship when you are fully healed.
4. Using Relationships to Fill Voids
One time back I had a friend who just couldn't seem to stay out of a relationship. She would get into a relationship she'd date the person for a couple of months they'd break up, then boom she'd start the cycle all over again. What I came to realize is that this friend of mine was dating to fill the voids in her life. What she didn't know is that the voids in her life couldn't be filled by any relationship. They needed to be filled by God. No void in our lives can be filled my man. We can not rely on relationships or people to make us feel worthy, appreciated, valued, loved, pretty, and happy. That is extremely unhealthy and it will lead to lots of heartbreak and insecurity.
3. Bad Intentions
Bad intentions= negative results. Do not go into a relationship without good intentions. Some people who fail at relationships find themselves getting into relationships because their friends hyped them up to do it, the person is good for their “image”, for sexual pleasure, the person is attractive, or just because they want the experience or out of loneliness and boredom; that is childish. A lasting relationship is one with solid, clear intention. Love, companionship, commitment, and marriage should be your only intentions.
2. Casually Dating
Casual dating is honestly just like holding up a big sign that says waste my time. People who casually date usually fail at relationships because they aren't in it for the commitment and they don't have any long-term goals in mind; that is a huge red flag. People who date casually usually have no intention to ever take it seriously or marry which is definitely a sign that you need to run. You are worth so much more than that. Ultimately casual dating relationships end up damaging people causing them to repeat the cycle of being hurt and hurting others.
1. No Self-Identity/ Low Self-Esteem
Let me just say this, your relationship will probably fail if you are struggling with being clear in your identity and loving yourself. When you lack self-esteem and a sense of identity, you really won’t know what you want to need in a relationship. My grandmother always used to tell me when I was young, if you don’t stand for nothing you’ll fall for anything and that is absolutely true. Not having a clear idea of who you are and low-self esteem will ultimately dictate how you see yourself and how you interact with others; that can be very negative. Low self-esteem and lack of identity will have you forgetting to make yourself a priority, basing your worth on if someone likes you or not, people taking advantage of you, convincing yourself you don’t deserve love, being extremely vulnerable, not being happy, and attracting negative partners who feed off your insecurities. This one pretty much goes hand in hand with working on yourself and healing. You do not need to be getting into any relationships if you haven’t worked on your character and became completely okay with loving yourself.
Relationships in the time we live in can be pretty tough, but what if I told you they didn't have to be? If we all do our part in putting God first and preparing to be the best version of ourselves mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, we can definitely eliminate heartbreak, wasting time, and mistakes and start winning at relationships.